I've begun my countdown until the end of this semester. Why? Mainly because I need to have this small part of my journey done and over with. While I try to remember this IS only a small part of the bigger picture, it becomes very tedious and tiring with the reality of each day.
I've decided (especially since I'm a non-traditional student) that college at the university level is one big socio-experiment being run by someone who is definitely warped in thinking. How else could you explain everything that you are exposed to on a daily basis? People can wear what they want - specifically it's more of what they don't wear, or what body parts happen to fall out of the limited pieces of clothing. It's only beginning to turn hot here in Az. I can't imagine how little people will be wearing here soon. Then there's the behavior. There is a certain specific lack of respect exhibited on a daily basis. In our quest to have freedom of speech, or our quest to protect it, or even our quest to give our children more than we were raised with, we've created a generation of people who just don't seem to care. It doesn't matter if someone is speaking or trying to instruct - "their" viewpoint is the most important and must be inserted in that very moment. No worries about tone of voice, or not taking responsibility for their actions either. It's going to ultimately be someone else's fault and not theirs. And we won't even go into respecting other people's space and property. We've created a boundary-free culture. As someone who wasn't raised this way (in any of this), it makes it very difficult to try and cope. I've been trying to convince myself to just focus on myself, but it becomes pointless when their shit filters into my world; and then I'm faced with saying something and being a bitch, or biting my tongue because I know I'll be the bad guy (and worse, it will impact my grade as I'm not being a team player).
There are DEFINITELY exceptions to all of this. I have some very wonderful people who brighten my class periods. Yes, that's you HI and AB and C.... It is unfortunate that the louder (in all definitions of that word) students create such havoc on the rest of us. I am weary of this semester. I am weary of dreading a certain class. I am especially tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me; in that, I can't get along with anyone - that my introverted-anxiety issues are increasing and causing undue stress. Even knowing how hard I've worked to get here doesn't help resolve the stress I feel each time I walk into Intaglio. Yes, that is the class that I can't wait to be done with. I've even made my peace with Linguistics class and received my first perfect paper this past week! Yay me!! And my painting professor pales next to the mess of Intaglio. It's not a process issue. It's a personality issue. In all honesty, it's partially a money issue too. Where I do see the monetary value in things (especially if I have to replace something), and that makes it VERY hard to be so nonchalant about people using my supplies. I have a rather unrealistic reality check for some of this - maybe have a few of these entitled individuals have to weed through the welfare/food stamp system on their own (i.e....no outside help), and then actually have to survive on it (i.e....which means doing without everything nice and fun), and then they could be better people and respectful of others. And perhaps have a better understanding what it means to feel grateful for something. Which is definitely not because you used crocodile tears and manipulated your way to better grades. Gratitude is when you don't have enough money to pay for groceries (because $64 a month in food stamps doesn't go far when you think about it), and the person in line behind you helped you. Or you've given up everything comfortable in your life (salary, medical insurance, hot water, nice car....) to be able to return to school at the age of 50, because you want to feel happy and fulfilled at the end of the day.
This has been a pretty heavy-duty blog for the past week. Remember that exhaustion I talked about in previous posts? Well, it's due in no small part to the above stuff and internalizing my feelings over it. I'm trying to cope. I try to make the best decisions to follow my own moral compass, but I have my own dragons to slay in this journey too. I'm facing an extremely difficult month financially - less days in month = less opportunity to work, plus taking time off (time off equals no pay) to spend with my dad as well as taking some me-time too. I took a risk with that show at Pima and my artwork there - I invested in custom framing, and my pieces ended up in a dark hall away from the main gallery. I wasn't happy about it, but decided to leave my work up in hopes it would sell. It didn't. I still have a studio full of artwork. Again, all of this factors into my sanity and comfort level. I have a lot more on my plate than trying to get good grades (even though that's there too). I'm trying to make it all work without feeling like I've created a mess of my life.
One day at a time. Positive thoughts to a better day today....