I sometimes wonder if there is ever a dream too big. Reality has a rather unfortunate view on how large the dream at times. I can't help but think about money when discussing dreams and reality too. It is an unfortunate reality that one cannot dream without money. I sometimes feel like I'm living on borrowed time anymore. What was I thinking by wanting to return to school full time? Why did I dream so big that I wanted to be an artist? How could I possibly hold out the dream of maybe (just maybe) finding a perfect partner to carry through the remainder of my life with?
I always try to ground myself in reality. Is it real to know that I'm in the right place in my life by returning to school? Or is it real to know that racking up thousands of dollars in debt when I'm approaching 50 is just crazy? Is the reality when I invest hundreds on framing and fingers crossed place a body of work in an art show with the hope it sells? Or is the reality knowing that the money spent framing could have kept me afloat for several more weeks? How exactly does this work with placing my artwork in a show - is it the exposure or the opportunity that I'm to be thankful for? Which I am. BUT...it would also be great to sell something so that I can continue on. Because that is the reality. Taking art home means that dreaming of selling my artwork isn't the current reality.
I was told recently that I'm neither in the place financially or time-wise to be in a relationship. So my reality is that I can wish for and dream about love, but because I don't have money and have decided to educate myself, I'm not relationship material? Are men truly so shallow that I am not seen as a person, but only as time availability or financial security? I find this equally ironic and pathetic. Perhaps because I am 50, I need to give up on this dream. If it hasn't happened by now, maybe it's just not meant to be.
My heart hurts thinking about all this. My reality is, I think about all of this daily in addition to assignments and projects. I'm called an inspiration. Reality is, I feel like a huge mess most days. Hell...dressing to go to class is so difficult that I sometimes have to try on multiple outfits before I get out the door. I don't have the confidence to go to class in pajamas. Although, most wouldn't bat an eye. I would just be one more who does. Ha!
Two weeks until school is over for this semester. I have a final critique for Painting on Monday. Two more assignments for Linguistics. One more edition to print for Intaglio and then the critique on May 3rd. And a handful of quizzes and labs to be done for Biology class. That's it. Months of work, over in a matter of days. I've registered for classes in the fall and am waiting to hear about my financial aid package. I applied for scholarships and I wait to hear if I got any of those too. I have a ton of canvas and paper that I will be painting over the summer. I plan on trying my hand at some plein air painting too. Anything that will take NO MONEY and keep my spirits up and focused creatively.
Sorry...more questions than answers this week. More introspective musings that outward observations. No snark for this Saturday. Feeling kind of pensive. And reality is....I'm worried about my future.