It's been a very introspective week for me. I'm in the process of going through boxes on top of boxes on top of boxes in order to have enough space for Fred and me to live. It's been....well.... I haven't quite reached the point where I feel like I'm freeing myself of the past weights that have held me back. I'm currently stuck in the mode of, not so much of being overwhelmed, but rather sadness. I feel sad. I thought cleaning out and putting closure on stuff was supposed to make you feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel a sense of loss somehow - a loss of myself in all this. Am I going backwards? Am I not progressing? Is the past repeating? Am I perpetuating the repeat (s) in my life?
This move has turned everything comfortable and familiar into chaos and stress. I moved to lower my stress. Isn't that some shit that I'm still stressed!! And maybe it's because the move has been so physically draining to me. My body is definitely still recovering. And trying to find a routine with having to walk Fred again, and getting him to understand that his yard is gone and his exercise is now at the end of a leash because of his stubbornness with running away. So far, I haven't saved any money because of the extra deposit the management requested on move in, plus raising the rent when I went to sign the lease. Yeah. I'm trying to not be angry over that. Very very difficult comprehending how people look you in the eye and say they want you to be a part of their community, but then screw with you like it doesn't matter. Enterprise is alive and well in America.
Maybe all this is why my motivation is zero. I had an art studio that allowed my juices to run overboard. Even on those assignments that tortured me, I could go into my creative space and breathe. I could sit and quietly look at the art I surrounded myself with and be inspired. And currently, that's all gone. I'm going through boxes and having to get rid of so much. Yes it's "stuff". Yes inanimate objects shouldn't have any emotional attachment to it....but still.... I look at things and remember what I was thinking or why I wanted it. I remember thinking how I was going to do something. But when I open the boxes....I see piles of stuff unfinished. I cannot help but wonder if that's where I'm at again in my life. Yes a new path with painting and art....but will I be opening more boxes in 10 years and see another project started but not finished? I keep telling myself this all is temporary. This is just to get me though the remainder of school Which at this point, looks to be about 1 1/2 to 2 years. I'm pushing to graduate December 2017. It's really all going to depend on money (unfortunately!). We will have to see how it all unfolds.
I did take a day to myself this week. I ran over to UA to meet with my advisor. We discussed my senior status and how to graduate 12/17. Plus I asked if there was anything I could do to get rid of the grades from 1985 that were currently dragging my GPA down by half. We've started the paperwork involved, and it's now wait and see. She didn't see why it couldn't happen as I qualify for academic renewal. Once they are removed, I'll be very close to my 4.0. Maybe even graduating with honors. Fingers. Crossed.
After UA I went and treated myself to a movie with a GINORMOUS bag of popcorn. I think I was due for an indulgent treat. There's a lot to be said for doing something solely for me. Which is what I remind myself every time I start to feel overwhelmed with going to school (and all things involved with it). NOW is just a brief moment in this journey. I have much bigger and brighter things on my horizon. Hard work and remaining positive will help in controlling this stress that seems so prevalent in my life. I want to enjoy this experience. I want to walk in grace. It's up to me to control the process.
I see more work ahead before I can sit and paint. Although, I'm cheating a bit and starting to gather references for several paintings I want to do this summer. I am determined to not have the summer be gone (busy with this move etc) and not having accomplished any art before school resumes in August. Onward and upward. Have a good week everyone. Do something solely for yourself.