8.19.17...

It's never easy when something comes to an end. Especially something that you've worked all summer towards. That one thing that kept you going when things were shitty and you felt you couldn't put one more foot in front of the other. That's where I'm at now.

I took a little breather....a time-out, if you will....from my life, before the semester begins, and before I'm going seven days a week again. I thought I would spend the time painting. But I found myself not focused enough to do so. I have two mini paintings (watercolor) and one in-progress plein air oil that took a dip in some sand. I want to know how other artists transport their wet canvases (multiples), especially if they use any type of solvent medium with it. Because I now have this wet board that I have to get home without it getting paint on my other stuff. The entire plein air experience was largely unsatisfying...which really gave me pause...

Isnt that what I want to do post-graduation?

I found myself taking a ton of photos. And I (maybe more importantly) found myself being still in the moment I was in. I desperately needed to get away from the shithole I live in. I needed to regroup from this summer of working in a job where they are ready for me to be gone. Regardless if I'm there now, their focus is always I won't be there long-term, so why should they invest anything in me. How's that for a really shitty way to treat someone? And having a double negative like that... Well, it wears on a person.

I found being away (but still in a relatively familiar place) I've lost a part of me that I thought I had firmly in place with this whole school transition. I'm still fearful of doing things on my own. I'm still very much caught up (and perhaps trapped) in my own head. And with the trials of plein air painting...I just wonder if that truly is my next step. With only this last year of school before me, and making the definite decision to not go on to graduate school (unless I suddenly come into a whole ton of money), what am I going to do next? To have this question in my mind, after the past four years.... Well shit. What am I going to be when I grow up? Dreaming about something and the reality of it are sometimes far apart. And as I've stated before, I probably only have another couple of decades left to explore this new chapter of my life. And what is that chapter? So many questions at this point. I hope I discover the answers within this next year.

But for now, as I sit in the fading sun of a beautiful summer day, I am full from a luscious dinner and my mind is quiet. And yes, my heart is a little sad. It always is when I leave here. I hope to not have so much time pass between visits, but passing time is an elusive and somewhat fickle bitch. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. I am grateful for this moment. I am glad that I did this for myself. The memories will stay with me in the upcoming year as I move forward.